The Story of Shirtless John - Office Fire Marshall

One of the perks of being a powerful individual is the privilege of having your own office bathroom. I can avoid having to do my business with the common man. However, I too experienced the horrors of having to share a men's bathroom with only 3 stalls for the 60 men on the floor and having men constantly violate the "one-stall buffer rule." Let me share a story:

Back in the day, we had a male administrative assistant (yes, a man secretary--I wasn't in charge of hiring at this point) on our floor that I'll simply just call "John." John was about 40 years old and still rocked the same mullet that he did back be when he graduated from Effingham High School (home of the "Flaming Hearts") back in 1984 (see yearbook photo above). Not only did John sport the same haircut as he did when he graduated high school, he still proudly wore his high school letter jacket around the office during the winter. John was a real "winner" in high school, as evidenced by the patches up and down both sleeves of his letter jacket for the various titles won by the Effingham High Marching Band (I didn't even know you could letter in marching band). John's duties around the floor included fetching coffee for employees, filling the water cooler, and answering the phone--pretty standard for a secretary. The one duty John took the most pride in however was his role as the floor's fire marshal and being able to send out e-mails like this to people on the floor:

Team,
Excellent job today on the fire drill. Our goal is to have all employees off our floor in 6:00 minutes. We achieved a new record time today of evacuating all employees of our floor in 6.5 minutes. I want to commend you all for your hard work.
John, Floor Fire Marshall

Are you freaking kidding me? 6 minutes to get off our floor? If the goal was 6 minutes to escape our floor (not the building) during a fire, we were all going to die (the building is 44 floors and the first 15 floors are unused office space).

Anyways, one day I'm heading into the bathroom to take care of business. Everything seemed to be fine (I was the only one occupying one of the three stalls, on the end of course). In walks somebody who plops down in the stall right next to me, thus violating the one-stall buffer rule--I was pretty upset and almost said something--but that would've violated the no-talking rule. What happened next appalled me even more. The rule violator draped his shirt over the stall door, and proceeded to make some loud noises that I won't describe. I was wondering to myself if George Constanza had come to my floor? I took notice of the shirt color (white) and got the hell out of there. However, it was impossible to identify the man who took off his shirt since there were about 25 guys wearing white shirts that day. I shared my discovery with some co-workers who were astonished that somebody would remove his shirt while dropping one--maybe alright in the comfort of one's home (or private office bathroom), but certainly not in the common floor bathroom. Determined to get to the bottom of this, there were 3 more sightings by us of the shirtless crapper who made loud noises, but still no identification. Eventually, while washing my hands one day, I noticed a shirt and slacks (navy shirt, khaki pants) being draped over the stall door, and the noises began again. The shirtless crapper was taking things to a whole new level. I left the bathroom, but now had a good lead--shirt and pants colors. Later in the day, I took a stroll around the floor to identify the man wearing this color combination, when I identified the shirtless, and now pantless, crapper: John the Male Secretary/Floor Fire Marshall--Shirtless John. A dead give away that it was definitely him that was removing his shirt and pants whenever occupying a stall happened a few weeks later: a co-worker saw his pants, slacks, and an Effingham High Flaming Hearts letter jacket draped over the stall door.

Shirtless John eventually left the company, but I am not sure where he went (probably to go be a professional fire marshall somewhere--I hope that building never catches fire--they're screwed). There were still people who violated bathroom etiquette on the floor, but none as bad as Shirtless John: Office Fire Marshall.

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Anybody else have any egregious violations of bathroom etiquette to share?

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